You Know You’re a Luddite If…
My cousin emailed me this picture the other day, with a note saying they’ve finally designed a cell phone that’s right up my alley. If you still don’t get it after a cursory glance at the picture, then you’re either a fellow luddite or a teenager who’s never seen a rotary phone. Now, this probably doesn’t seem worth more than a perfunctory chuckle until I tell you the rest of the story:
The cousin who sent the email is Amish.
I’m serious. I can now lay legitimate claim to the title of Undisputed World Champion Luddite. You know you’re a world class luddite when the Amish make jokes about your technical ineptitude.
My last cell phone was a simple little flip phone. I never took a picture with it because I own a camera. I didn’t use it for checking my email because I have a computer for that, and I didn’t use it for browsing the internet because I didn’t know how and didn’t care to learn. I couldn’t send a text message because (a) my thumbs are too big to hit the right buttons, (b) my glasses are too weak to read the fine print letters underneath the numbers and (c) it’s a telephone, people. If you want to talk to me just dial my number and talk, for cryin’ out loud. I tried sending a text, once, with my son standing there coaching me. “Now, which button do I tap for a K, and how many times… no, wait, that’s a Q. Where’s the backspace on this thing?” My text message ended up looking like an eye chart, but it didn’t matter; I couldn’t figure out how to send it anyway. After a while my son shook his head and went away sorrowing.
I recently bought a new phone, but they tricked me. I didn’t discover until after I got home that the simple phone I thought I bought actually slides open to reveal a keyboard roughly twice as complex as the one I’m typing on right now. I keep it closed. Open, it reminds me of a 767 cockpit. All I wanted was a phone. Worse, the new phone has a serious case of narcolepsy— or ADHD. When I want to make a call I push a button and the screen lights up, but that’s all. It wants something else before it will let me in, but I can’t read it. In the four seconds it takes to put on my glasses the screen gets bored and goes to sleep. Push the button again. And again. Finally, it appears to be willing to let me dial a number, but in the four seconds it takes me to start dialing, the phone yawns and goes back to sleep. I’m way too slow.
My son borrowed my car once, and changed the settings on the radio. It took me three weeks to get it straightened out, and I’m still not sure how I did it. After a week of frustration I even stooped to reading the manual (a practice expressly forbidden for a construction worker), and even that didn’t help because it was written in indecipherable techno-jargon.
I own a Kindle, but I didn’t buy it— I won it in a bocce ball tournament. After a couple weeks of intense study I managed to download a few e-books and tried reading one of them, but I just couldn’t get into it. Pushing a button is just not the same as turning a page. I played Minesweeper on the thing for a few weeks so people would think I was reading. That was a long time ago. I’m not sure where it is now.
In the interest of full disclosure I will admit that I have mastered an electric toothbrush, but in my own defense I would point out that it only has one button on it. That, I can handle.
14 Comment(s)
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© Dale Cramer 2010-2012 All Rights Reserved. Photography by Larry McDonald. Site design by Pulse Point Design
I love it Dale! I also have a simple flip open cellphone. I only use it to talk on and just like you I have trouble seeing the buttons, even with my glasses on. For all the same reasons you stated I don’t need to take pictures, text, etc. on it.
My mom & dad still have their old rotary phone and use it when the power is off, which happens often here in the mountains.
Doris Reedy
Doris Reedy
Feb 22, 2012 | Reply
Yay. Not only for the post (thank you) but for the observation that pushing a button simply is not the same as turning a page.
Lori
Feb 22, 2012 | Reply
There’s hope for the world after all! Those of us with common sense need to keep trying to make the rest of these lemmings understand. As my mother used to say, “Just because everyone else is doing it is no reason you should do it too!”
Peg Willis
Feb 22, 2012 | Reply
That was a good post Dale. You are going to have to be dragged into the 21st century kicking and screaming like the rest of us!! I’m due for a new phone and am going to get a “smart” phone and see if I can ever figure it out. My son. or grandson, will probably have to help me navigate until I get the hang of it! I agree with you about reading on the Kindle. I have a Kindle ap on my MacBook and am reading a book on there now. It just isn’t the same as holding that nice book and turning the page!!
Carol Reed
Feb 22, 2012 | Reply
I do miss the sound that rotary phone made!
one ring~a~dingy 2~ring~a~dingy.
( from the show Laugh~In )
jel
Feb 23, 2012 | Reply
You may be a little “technology challenged” (as am I), but you sure are an AMAZING writer/auther!!!
P.S. I can’t wait to read the next book from your,Paradise Valley (Daughters of Caleb Bender)series, as well as anymore fantastic books you write!!
Thanks, and God Bless!!
Marlana
Mar 1, 2012 | Reply
I used my inability to text (seems so much slower than email) in one of my mystery novels as the reason why the text from a supposed individual couldn’t be from him–he messed up too much when he tried. I’m trying to ease into the digital age, but email is really about as far I’ve gotten except that my husband and I play Scrabble on his iPad.
Ann Gaylia O'Barr
Mar 3, 2012 | Reply
Yes, Dale, those of us of a certain age DO, now and then, find ourselves bewildered by the endless proliferation of marvelous new developments sprouting around us. But that’s probably the way it’s always been, which is undoubtedly the reason God designed couples to have kids and grandkids. Only God knows how many technical problems Seth helped Adam and Eve solve.
Charles Collier
Mar 4, 2012 | Reply
I buy my simple cell phone on ebay now because it’s so simple and small, they don’t sell it anymore. And I was just looking up where I can buy a rotary telephone because I miss “the way things were”. They now make a regular handset that you can plug into your cell phone. I might get one of those so I can rest it on my shoulder while I’m talking, something I miss very much with my 1/8th inch cell. I also have a Kindle, which my husband bought for me. I play Texas Hold ‘em on mine. Ha. Thanks for the post!
Jenny
Mar 5, 2012 | Reply
I am waiting patiently for your next Paradise Valley book. Just finished the first two plus Levi’s Will. And thank you, by the way, for autographing my Paradise Valley books. Mom Hartman
Lois Hartman
Mar 24, 2012 | Reply
Hilarious Dale! I confess I haven’t read your books yet, but now that I’ve had a taste from your blog I’m looking forward to more!
Laura Bennet
Mar 25, 2012 | Reply
I totally understand what you’re saying about technology. My son is the technological guru of the family. I think he set up our VCR when he was 3 without help. My daughter has been listening to iPods since they came out… I’m still looking for the place to insert the MP3′s… They say they’re downloadable… We’ll see.
Thanks for sharing!
Kathi Snyder-Ramirez
Mar 31, 2012 | Reply
@Kathi Snyder-Ramirez:
What’s an MP3?
Dale Cramer
Mar 31, 2012 | Reply
When I turned in my phone for a new one a few years ago the man behind the counter laughed and told me they had one of those in the Smithsonian….they call it ‘a brick.’ I rarely used it because it had so few ‘anytime minutes.’ Now I have a Smart Phone (that’s smarter than I am). I still make calls but I have learned to check the weather and use GPS when traveling. It is convenient to now have unlimited minutes and free long distance, but I still only make 4-5 calls a week and receive even fewer.
I keep all this a secret at work since I’m employed by a Fortune 50 High Tech company.
Closet Luddite
May 6, 2012 | Reply